These are not exactly new, nor exactly jokes……..
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want the answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
12. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
13. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
14. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.
15. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
16. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
18. No, it does not matter which quiz.
19. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
20. If you won’t dress up like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
21. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.
22. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.
23. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
24. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
25. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say, “Nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
28. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.